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Volume 110

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Hi, I’m Craig Kendall, the author of The Asperger’s Syndrome Survival Guide. In today’s issue we will discuss…

Asperger’s Syndrome – 5 Tips to Build Confidence in Children, Teens and Adults

Life Academy – This is part of a series of articles on coping with life with Asperger’s Syndrome written by a young woman with Asperger’s syndrome.

People with Asperger’s syndrome tend to stick out. They are, as many have said before, like “a cat in a dog’s world,” or in other words, they just don’t fit. Not fitting can have many consequences. One is that your confidence level really takes a beating. People with Asperger’s syndrome, or Aspies, often have one way of doing something, and the rest of the world has another way of doing it. The following is a therapy for helping children, teenagers and adults with high functioning autism and Asperger’s syndrome build confidence.

Asperger’s Syndrome – Seeing the World Differently

People with Asperger’s syndrome see something so clearly in one way, and the rest of the world can’t make heads or tails of it. It can be disheartening. You get so many messages of “You’re doing it wrong!” or “Why don’t you know how to do this? Why is this taking you so long? Why are you doing it that way?” that after a while you really start to lose your confidence. You may hear “What’s wrong with you?” more often than you hear the weather report or your own name.

You may forget that you know, deep down, how to navigate around the world. You may forget that your ways are just as good as others, because your inner voice has been drowned out by the voice of so many other well-meaning but insistent voices that think they know the best way for you to do things.

Those with Asperger’s Syndrome can Picking up Negative Messages from their Environment

Parents, we know that you are doing the best you can. We don’t blame you. But because you don’t have the same neurology as those with Asperger’s syndrome, it can be very hard for you to figure out how to suggest ways of doing things that are suitable for how our brains work.

It can be hard for you sometimes to have the patience to realize how hard the simplest things can be for people with autism, and walk us through it step by step, instead of just assuming that we can’t do it.

Those with Asperger’s syndrome may find that the way they have been taught to be in the world may not be the best way for them. Failure leads to loss of self confidence, which may lead to a dependence on having the adults around you tell you how to do everything. A lot of children, teens as well as adults with Asperger’s syndrome seek reassurance constantly, not believing in their ability to solve most problems.

How to Build Self-Confidence in those with Asperger’s Syndrome

Parents – are you frustrated with your Asperger’s child’s lack of initiative and need for you to help them with things you feel they should be able to do on their own by now? Do you wish they could engage in more activities without going to you for constant reassurance?

Adults with Asperger’s syndrome – do you want to be able to do more things on your own, and feel more independent?

Then you may find the following tips about building confidence for people with Asperger’s syndrome useful.

Tips for Building Confidence for those with Asperger’s Syndrome

1. Make a list of your accomplishments

Many people will tell you to make a list of your good qualities, of your strengths. This is a good exercise. But it doesn’t go far enough. Folks with Asperger’s syndrome need concrete examples. So make a list of all the things you have done in recent or past memory that were difficult for you — but that you survived without too much trauma. If you get nervous going into public buildings, every time you go into a store or a doctor’s office, keep a diary of it.

If you have trouble approaching new people, write down every time you do and who it was. Write how it went. If you mentally beat yourself up every time you make a mistake… make a resolution to give yourself a break, and come up with some positive affirmations to say instead. Write the situations down. Wait a few months. After some time goes by, you will be amazed at how much you were able to do — and how much the written diary makes you want to do more.

2. Figure out the why to the accomplishments

Be sure to think about why these ventures were successful. Did you have a friend along with you that gave you strength? Did you do anything to psych yourself up beforehand? Anything to relax afterwards? Did you have a strong motivation for doing the task, such as buying a desired item or some other gain?

Think about what made these difficult situations possible, and try to replicate what you did. Write it down, so you can remember later.

Parents – try to encourage your child to do these exercises. Use external motivation if necessary for the written diary (favored activity, something they want to buy, etc. for every so often). Eventually they will hopefully want to do it for themselves, without the rewards. You’re trying to recondition their brain.

3. Get feedback from others

Often, we need a boost from others in trying to figure out what our strengths are. Ask someone you trust what they think the things you do well are. Skip the parts you don’t do well unless absolutely necessary, you get enough of that already.

4. Surround yourself with people who validate you and accept you

This is important because you will start to internalize good messages about yourself and in time will be able to feel more confident about trying new things.

5. Try new things that are a stretch for you

Speaking of new things, try them. When you can. But only try new things that you think are within your ability zone. That is, think of something you find difficult but can do. Then, think of something that is just a little bit harder than that, that you think you might be able to do but aren’t sure.

On a day when you are feeling somewhat brave, give it a try. Plan something relaxing to do after, and visualize yourself doing it calmly beforehand. Reward yourself after. Keep doing this and you’ll eventually work up to the place you want to be.

Internal Versus External Locus of Control

This handy dandy psychological concept refers to a very important theory. If you believe you can handle what happens to you, whatever it may be, then your anxiety will be low and your ability to try new things high. If, however, you have an external locus of control — which many with Asperger’s syndrome have due to their high sensitivity levels — then you feel like you are just like a leaf in the wind, being controlled by whatever external forces happen to you. The latter leaves you with a feeling of helplessness and high anxiety. You become more resistant to trying new things because you don’t believe you have the right tools to deal with it should anything go wrong.

Additional Tips

The bottom line is, though, if you can find the strength to try these new things one time, two times, three times and more, successfully, and you can develop ways to cope with things that may go wrong — your locus of control will change, at least a little, and you will find yourself facing life with a lot more confidence and a lot less crippling anxiety.

Parents, guide your child through this process as best you can using the above guidelines. It is a wonderful thing to feel free. It is a wonderful feeling to be independent and self-sufficient. It just comes with a few bumps in the road along the way that you must gather the courage to face as best as possible.

With these tips, you can begin the process of building confidence and self-esteem. And for additional tips and suggestions to ensure your loved one lives a happy and fulfilling life, see The Asperger’s Syndrome Survival Guide.

7 Responses to Asperger’s Syndrome – 5 Tips to Build Self Confidence – 110

  1. Md. Abdus Sobhan says:

    Dear Sir,
    Thank you very much for sending this News Letter to me containing valuable information on
    Aspergers Syndrome.

  2. Denise Hodges says:

    Amazing tips, thank you for writing this Craig. My son is 22 & is getting better at coping with life on life’s terms but it’s still a struggle for him. He is in the dating scene now & he of course is lost within the world of subtle hints & innuendo. I keep telling him there is someone for everyone, you just have to bee willing to put yourself out there, but it’s difficult to see him hurt. He is a very good looking guy so he gets approached a lot, he just doesn’t know how to handle the attention so girls think he’s not interested. Or, they don’t “get” his dry sense of humor. I think he’s hysterical but……well, I am his mom. 🙂 Thanks again for your input, it really does help. God bless!

    • Craig Kendall - Author says:

      I strongly suggest to any young adult that they join a “young adults” Asperger’s group. Nearly all universities and colleges have these type of groups and you do not have to be going to the university to join most of them. They are basically social clubs. There is much less stress and they understand each other and can help each other. I think this is a great place to practice social skills and find someone you may be very compatible with.

  3. marilyn g says:

    how important is it to seek counselling for people with this type of autism

    • Craig Kendall - Author says:

      Therapy is ESSENTIAL. Basically, most people on the autism spectrum do not realize how to communicate well and lack understanding of “active listening” — showing facial expressions so the person they are speaking with realizes they are paying attention. This can be TAUGHT and LEARNED. A good therapist can help a person who does not understand facial expressions how to grasp them. It may take time, but nearly everyone I know who has had this type of therapy improved dramatically.

  4. Cindy says:

    I would like advise on how to make my 23 year old get up on his own. He can do it but very rarely does. He is in college and doing well. Once he is awake, with our help, he is fine. However, we have been trying to get him to do this on his own for YEARS! He has seen doctors for this many times. He also has narcolepsy, which does not help. He is supposed to graduate in May so we would like any advise or direction to help.Thank you

    • Craig Kendall - Author says:

      This is a problem with many on the spectrum. He may not realize the importance of getting up and getting into a routine. Often times, he may simply lack the motivation and not realize how it benefits him. If possible, crease a positive motivation. Is there something he wants that can only happen in the morning? Perhaps he likes to play golf and unless he gets up at 6:00 am his dad will not take him…obviously this is one simply example but perhaps you can think of others? The best way to motivate a person with high functioning autism is to find something they really want and convince them that by getting up they will acquire it. Good luck!

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